Sesshin began Sunday (technically, Saturday evening after dinner around 7:30pm immediately following the reading of the admonitions.). Sesshin is a fully silent and introspective period of time lasting a day or longer. This sesshin is six days long. I have participated in a number of sesshins ranging from day-long sittings to the seven-day Buddha's Enlightenment sesshin. I have participated as a fully supported individual just following the schedule completely. I have also participated as a key supporting element of the schedule, for example one of the time-keepers on the doanryo (fukudo and doan). This time I am in the sesshin schedule as a nourishing support. I am cooking in the kitchen.
I have been working in Zen Center's kitchen full time for about 5 weeks now. Previously I had volunteered twice weekly in the afternoons for about a year. Outside of Zen Center, my kitchen experience is limited to work-study in the cafe at the San Francisco Art Institute and the desperate struggle to feed myself in my own kitchen with the help of The Joy of Cooking. My copy of The Joy of Cooking was the sweetest and best going away gift I received from my friends' mom, who encouraged me to let go of my fears of not knowing how to cook. What I'm trying to make clear is I never grew up feeling comfortable and confident in the kitchen. I watched my friends move around their kitchens with ease and whip up delicious meals seemingly effortlessly. For me, the experience is painstakingly slow in following the recipe to its letter (and numerically measured amount).
If you read Suzuki Roshi who founded San Francisco Zen Center, his most famous book, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind as well as the name of the City Center Temple where I live, is all about Beginner's Mind. He says, "In the beginner's mind, there are many possibilities, while in the expert's mind, there are few." Even though the kitchen has much potential for danger, walking into the kitchen with beginner's mind opens up the possibility to nourish my friends, the community, the sangha with really yummy food. In the kitchen, especially during sesshin, we work in mostly silence. Functional speech is necessary, but too much explanation and talk can pull attention away from the vegetable we're scrubbing and chopping, or the soup we're cooking and developing, or the knives and pots we're cleaning. Paying attention to what I'm doing in the moment and being with what I'm doing in that moment allows me to not only impart my intentions of love, care, health, and well-being, but also keeps me safe from burning myself or accidentally cutting myself or accidentally harming the others I'm moving around the kitchen with. Being in the kitchen during sesshin is also much like being on doanryo during sesshin. Each member has an important part and as we each do our assigned task, we move together as one body, creating three meals a day to feed the entire community.
This sesshin, the Tenzo (head cook), gave me the responsibility of making the soups. There is always soup for lunch as the main dish. Being a Zen monastery, our offerings are vegetarian and nothing fancy as monks have begged for alms in the past. We do not individually go door to door with our bowls these days, but Zen Center runs on the dana (generosity and monetary donation) we receive from the friends and community who support us. So our meals are not full of extravagant ingredients, but we get a lot of greens (kale, chard, spinach, cabbage) from Green Gulch Farm, and of course necessary items. In the buying, we purchase seasonally and we try to purchase locally and organically. Although City Center is short staffed and has resorted to purchasing, the three Zen Centers generally make their own granola, yogurt, fresh squeezed juices (when the fruits are available), stock, and reuse leftovers in many ways so as not to waste any bit of the food that was offered to us.
So as I tend to the soups, I am thinking about how all the flavors develop and come together over time in the pot. Each time I stir the pot, I am trying to take care of each item in the pot. I am encouraging the onions to get sweeter and darker over time. I am encouraging the carrots and celery and chard stems and broccoli stems to soften and surrender to the olive oil and heat. I am taking care not to tear the leaves of chard and kale and spinach and sorrel. I am releasing the aromatics of the bay leaves and parsley and thyme and rosemary. I am stirring my heartfelt wish to feed, heal, and love the community. I appreciate being allowed the time to give the soup this attention.
I am also developing a relationship with fire and heat. Normally I see fire and heat as a difficult element and really my reason for not feeling very confident in the kitchen. Fire will burn as hot as fire burns and at that heat it will not only burn itself into existence, but will burn other things out of their desired existence. How do I develop the soup without charring the onions and leaving a burnt flavor in the soup, in all the soups? How do I "tame" this fire? Today I learned that it's not about me controlling the fire. Fire is going to burn and heat as it does. In the Sandokai or Harmony of Difference and Equality chant, it says "The four elements return to their natures.... Fire heats, wind moves, water wets, earth is solid..." Meaning that these elements are being just as they are. Instead of me trying to make the fire do what I want it to do, I need to pay attention to what the fire is doing. Is there too much of it? Can I turn the flame down a bit? How does the flame act with this pot? How does the flame act with that pot? When the onions are sizzling loudly, what are they telling me? Are they saying the fire is too much or is the fire just right for now but maybe will be too much in the next moment? Today I'm going to practice with the fire and share its energy. Perhaps we will heat and warm the bellies of the community together.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Inconceivable Beauty
During the Green Gulch Intensive in January, the schedule included classes lead by Tenshin Reb. Usually the last part of class was open to our questions. During one of these times, someone brought up the Suzuki Roshi quote, "To say a flower is 'beautiful' is a sin." Although at first this quote sounds off-putting (Flowers are beautiful. In what universe could it be a sin to call it as it is?!), I find the depth of this statement very interesting.
When we think about language and words, these things we say and words we use are merely pointers to the things we wish to talk about or refer to. The idea that comes into my head when the word flower, for example, is spoken (or written) is going to be different from the idea that comes into your head. My flower might be a red rose in a vase while your flower might be a white daisy in a flower bed outside. We use language and words so that we have a reference point that is similar, but our interpretations of words will very rarely if ever be the same. This is the difficulty of language. I'm finding that this is also how arguments arise.
Back to what Suzuki Roshi was saying when he said that calling a flower beautiful is a sin. The flower is at its core and essence a flower and its flower-ness is inconceivable. Of course a flower is beautiful. In fact, its flower-ness is more than beautiful. The word "beautiful" itself is not enough to describe how beautiful beautiful is. So saying that a flower is beautiful is not doing the flower justice because it is more than beautiful. The flower-ness of the flower and the beauty of beautiful is greater than the mere words. These are so great, in fact, they are indescribable; they are inconceivable. It would be a sin to call a flower anything. A flower is at its essence a flower.
When I think about words being a place holder for things and a way for us to share ideas about the world around us, I think about art as another form of language and communication. I believe, as an artist, it is my responsibility to convey the way I see things, moments, and ideas that are breathtaking in order to share those incredible things, moments, and ideas with others. And even though my resulting art piece might be lovely and beautiful to others, I usually feel what was captured is never quite as amazingly beautiful as what I perceived and experienced. For example, I once did a painting of the sun rising over the peaceful beach of the Outerbanks in North Carolina. The sun rose rather quickly and I painted the full painting in the few hours of pre-sunrise and during sunrise, and then I was done. My mom loved the painting and still loves it because she had it framed and it's hanging in my parents' home. Every time I look at that painting I feel a little disappointed because it doesn't look as impressive as the actual experience was. How could it? The sun itself is such a force of nature and to see the first rays of light shining from the other edge of the earth, breaking the dawn, dispersing the darkness, is a moment that is just inconceivable in its heart of beauty and breathtaking-ness. Of course I think art is important and artists are champions of the beauty around us. We are preservers of the appreciation of things that make us sigh. How can we convey with enough homage and respect this inconceivable beauty of the world and universe? This is my art question, direction, and quest.
When we think about language and words, these things we say and words we use are merely pointers to the things we wish to talk about or refer to. The idea that comes into my head when the word flower, for example, is spoken (or written) is going to be different from the idea that comes into your head. My flower might be a red rose in a vase while your flower might be a white daisy in a flower bed outside. We use language and words so that we have a reference point that is similar, but our interpretations of words will very rarely if ever be the same. This is the difficulty of language. I'm finding that this is also how arguments arise.
Back to what Suzuki Roshi was saying when he said that calling a flower beautiful is a sin. The flower is at its core and essence a flower and its flower-ness is inconceivable. Of course a flower is beautiful. In fact, its flower-ness is more than beautiful. The word "beautiful" itself is not enough to describe how beautiful beautiful is. So saying that a flower is beautiful is not doing the flower justice because it is more than beautiful. The flower-ness of the flower and the beauty of beautiful is greater than the mere words. These are so great, in fact, they are indescribable; they are inconceivable. It would be a sin to call a flower anything. A flower is at its essence a flower.
When I think about words being a place holder for things and a way for us to share ideas about the world around us, I think about art as another form of language and communication. I believe, as an artist, it is my responsibility to convey the way I see things, moments, and ideas that are breathtaking in order to share those incredible things, moments, and ideas with others. And even though my resulting art piece might be lovely and beautiful to others, I usually feel what was captured is never quite as amazingly beautiful as what I perceived and experienced. For example, I once did a painting of the sun rising over the peaceful beach of the Outerbanks in North Carolina. The sun rose rather quickly and I painted the full painting in the few hours of pre-sunrise and during sunrise, and then I was done. My mom loved the painting and still loves it because she had it framed and it's hanging in my parents' home. Every time I look at that painting I feel a little disappointed because it doesn't look as impressive as the actual experience was. How could it? The sun itself is such a force of nature and to see the first rays of light shining from the other edge of the earth, breaking the dawn, dispersing the darkness, is a moment that is just inconceivable in its heart of beauty and breathtaking-ness. Of course I think art is important and artists are champions of the beauty around us. We are preservers of the appreciation of things that make us sigh. How can we convey with enough homage and respect this inconceivable beauty of the world and universe? This is my art question, direction, and quest.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Grave Precept 3: Not Misusing Sexuality
It's been longer than I've wanted since writing my last blog post. A lot has been happening for me since the last blog post that has taken my time and attention away from writing at my computer. I've officially moved into SF Zen Center, City Center, Beginner's Mind Temple, or Hosshin-ji (www.sfzc.org/cc). This happened a lot sooner than I expected. It's been a hectic rush of moving the things and items that I immediately need for my day to day. That was my Valentine's Day celebration: moving in. It's been a hectic rush of moving the things I'm not ready to let go of into storage (thank you Zipvan!). It's been exhausting and exhilarating working in the kitchen at Zen Center full-time as a Work Practice Apprentice. I have a couple of hours break in the afternoon which is really for rest because of the physicality of working in the kitchen, but I've been selling and getting rid of my boxes of comic books, my personal library of books, CDs, and DVDs during that break time, so I feel extra exhausted. I'm very thankful that sitting and practice is a self-sustaining, energizing joy for me. Otherwise I might collapse!
Enough with background and excuses, what's been on my mind lately is the precept of Not Misusing Sexuality. I think for the most apparent reasons, when I think about sex, I like to think of the enjoyment of sex and it's usually the case that for most of the time, whether I'm in a relationship or not, I'm not in the act of experiencing sex. And even when I am experiencing sex, it's not always the case that it is enjoyable or that it is what my expectations of having sex are at the time. So, of course, I want to talk about and think about sex, the enjoyable or pleasurably naughty kind.
Part of moving into Zen Center as well as participating in the practice periods here, is the signing of a contract, or shingi. I believe I read that Eihei Dogen, the teacher who brought Buddhism to Japan from China in the 12th century and founder of Eihei-ji temple in Japan, the big Soto Zen monastery, developed the shingi contract as a way for the monks at Eihei-ji to live together harmoniously and with a common understanding. I also believe that Dogen's idea for the shingi is based on the sixteen bodhisattva precepts. I am not sure what the Eihei-shingi says about not having romantic relationships and not misusing sexuality, but the SF Zen Center shingi is clear about not starting a romantic relationship within the first six months of residency. The individual practice period contracts also state that the signer will not start a romantic relationship for the duration of the practice period. On the surface of this tenet, it seems to promote abstinence and feels like sex is a sin or romantic feelings are wrong, but I don't see it as such. A lot of emotions arise when starting to concentrate on practice. All of these precepts walk the line of what is healthy and what is a distraction. If my choice is to focus on practice, I don't want to distract myself with the pleasures and enjoyment of sex and romance. I've even felt at times that fantasizing about a fictional romantic relationship or sex or how I wish actual relationships would be is more painful than enjoyable. Not to mention the time and attention and focus that being in a romantic relationship needs in order for the relationship to flourish. This attention would take away from the focus on practice. So the shingi is about helping us focus on our intention rather than being the dreaded parental rules of the house.
I've also had a couple of conversations with friends around movies, a documentary and a movie based on a true story, with sex slavery/human trafficking and underage sex work as the subject matter. All of us agree that underage girls being forced or coerced into having sex or the sex industry (which for me includes pornography, "modeling," "hostessing," escorting, prostitution, brothels, pimps/madams, stripping/exotic dancing, online "chatting/dating" paid per minute/visit) is absolutely unethical. Underage girls and boys are not mature enough to make sexual decisions for themselves in the same way that adult men and women can make sexual decisions for themselves, and that's deemed lawfully regardless of any ethical background. Also forcing someone into a sexual act or situation regardless of age is misusing sexuality. This is also a law, although when two adults are involved in a sexual coercion accusation with no other witnesses, it's difficult to enforce. All in all, the ethics around underage sex and non-consentual sex seems clearly a misuse of sexuality. What seems to also be a misuse of sexuality to me is supporting these venues where underage and enslaved people are forced into any type of sex work. So the people who create the sex business and the people who abduct the sex workers are misusing sex for their own gain. Not only is the not misusing sexuality precept being broken but also not being possessive, not stealing, not lying, not praising self at the expense of others, not harboring ill will, and not disparaging the three treasures (Buddha, dharma, sangha) (although all the precepts are intimately linked, so breaking one is, in essence, breaking them all). I also believe that the people who partake in the offering, whether it's consuming porn pictures or video, or paying for a prostitute, are also misusing sexuality. There is nothing wrong with feeling sexual or looking at porn or enjoying sex or wanting to have sex when you aren't in a relationship and don't have a regular sexual partner. I think feeling sexual and desiring sex is a normal part of being human and we all have our particulars that arouse us and get us off. But by being a consumer of the sex industry creates the market for the sex industry which raises the demand which helps the people who enslave others to continue to do this, so in essence the consumer is paying the sex trafficker/pimp/enslaver and thereby supporting the misuse of sexuality as well as supporting greed, stealing, lying, ill will, and disparaging the three treasures. And then my thoughts expand upon that. What if I choose to go into the sex industry? I am in need of money and income. I know that I am physically able to be a stripper or work a pay-per-view online chat room. As a consenting adult, I can choose to work in the sex industry. But if I do this, am I not also creating the market for the sex industry? If I'm filling a need of consumers, that creates more consumers, which then supports the sex traffickers to up their quota of sex slaves. Isn't this misusing sexuality? Even if it's unintentional, doesn't the choice to work in the sex industry help to support the people who choose unethical and unlawful means of sex work? If I am choosing the bodhisattva path to save all beings and become a Buddha, I have to choose not to work in the sex industry, even if it's consensual on my part, even if I create my boundaries, even if I protect my sexuality, even if I believe I'm offering something to people who equally compensate me. As a bodhisattva warrior, I have to choose not to work in the sex industry because I will not be saving the beings who become enslaved, who are forced into sex, who are underage, who become addicted to drugs, who are greedy, who are enslaving others, who are misusing sexuality.
Enough with background and excuses, what's been on my mind lately is the precept of Not Misusing Sexuality. I think for the most apparent reasons, when I think about sex, I like to think of the enjoyment of sex and it's usually the case that for most of the time, whether I'm in a relationship or not, I'm not in the act of experiencing sex. And even when I am experiencing sex, it's not always the case that it is enjoyable or that it is what my expectations of having sex are at the time. So, of course, I want to talk about and think about sex, the enjoyable or pleasurably naughty kind.
Part of moving into Zen Center as well as participating in the practice periods here, is the signing of a contract, or shingi. I believe I read that Eihei Dogen, the teacher who brought Buddhism to Japan from China in the 12th century and founder of Eihei-ji temple in Japan, the big Soto Zen monastery, developed the shingi contract as a way for the monks at Eihei-ji to live together harmoniously and with a common understanding. I also believe that Dogen's idea for the shingi is based on the sixteen bodhisattva precepts. I am not sure what the Eihei-shingi says about not having romantic relationships and not misusing sexuality, but the SF Zen Center shingi is clear about not starting a romantic relationship within the first six months of residency. The individual practice period contracts also state that the signer will not start a romantic relationship for the duration of the practice period. On the surface of this tenet, it seems to promote abstinence and feels like sex is a sin or romantic feelings are wrong, but I don't see it as such. A lot of emotions arise when starting to concentrate on practice. All of these precepts walk the line of what is healthy and what is a distraction. If my choice is to focus on practice, I don't want to distract myself with the pleasures and enjoyment of sex and romance. I've even felt at times that fantasizing about a fictional romantic relationship or sex or how I wish actual relationships would be is more painful than enjoyable. Not to mention the time and attention and focus that being in a romantic relationship needs in order for the relationship to flourish. This attention would take away from the focus on practice. So the shingi is about helping us focus on our intention rather than being the dreaded parental rules of the house.
I've also had a couple of conversations with friends around movies, a documentary and a movie based on a true story, with sex slavery/human trafficking and underage sex work as the subject matter. All of us agree that underage girls being forced or coerced into having sex or the sex industry (which for me includes pornography, "modeling," "hostessing," escorting, prostitution, brothels, pimps/madams, stripping/exotic dancing, online "chatting/dating" paid per minute/visit) is absolutely unethical. Underage girls and boys are not mature enough to make sexual decisions for themselves in the same way that adult men and women can make sexual decisions for themselves, and that's deemed lawfully regardless of any ethical background. Also forcing someone into a sexual act or situation regardless of age is misusing sexuality. This is also a law, although when two adults are involved in a sexual coercion accusation with no other witnesses, it's difficult to enforce. All in all, the ethics around underage sex and non-consentual sex seems clearly a misuse of sexuality. What seems to also be a misuse of sexuality to me is supporting these venues where underage and enslaved people are forced into any type of sex work. So the people who create the sex business and the people who abduct the sex workers are misusing sex for their own gain. Not only is the not misusing sexuality precept being broken but also not being possessive, not stealing, not lying, not praising self at the expense of others, not harboring ill will, and not disparaging the three treasures (Buddha, dharma, sangha) (although all the precepts are intimately linked, so breaking one is, in essence, breaking them all). I also believe that the people who partake in the offering, whether it's consuming porn pictures or video, or paying for a prostitute, are also misusing sexuality. There is nothing wrong with feeling sexual or looking at porn or enjoying sex or wanting to have sex when you aren't in a relationship and don't have a regular sexual partner. I think feeling sexual and desiring sex is a normal part of being human and we all have our particulars that arouse us and get us off. But by being a consumer of the sex industry creates the market for the sex industry which raises the demand which helps the people who enslave others to continue to do this, so in essence the consumer is paying the sex trafficker/pimp/enslaver and thereby supporting the misuse of sexuality as well as supporting greed, stealing, lying, ill will, and disparaging the three treasures. And then my thoughts expand upon that. What if I choose to go into the sex industry? I am in need of money and income. I know that I am physically able to be a stripper or work a pay-per-view online chat room. As a consenting adult, I can choose to work in the sex industry. But if I do this, am I not also creating the market for the sex industry? If I'm filling a need of consumers, that creates more consumers, which then supports the sex traffickers to up their quota of sex slaves. Isn't this misusing sexuality? Even if it's unintentional, doesn't the choice to work in the sex industry help to support the people who choose unethical and unlawful means of sex work? If I am choosing the bodhisattva path to save all beings and become a Buddha, I have to choose not to work in the sex industry, even if it's consensual on my part, even if I create my boundaries, even if I protect my sexuality, even if I believe I'm offering something to people who equally compensate me. As a bodhisattva warrior, I have to choose not to work in the sex industry because I will not be saving the beings who become enslaved, who are forced into sex, who are underage, who become addicted to drugs, who are greedy, who are enslaving others, who are misusing sexuality.
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