Taking Refuge in Sangha

How's this for irony or foreboding or being careful of what you wish for? Almost immediately after I posted the last entry about taking care of yourself through this epidemic cold/flu/virus, I came down with it. It was interesting to notice each moment: how am I feeling now?, what do I need?, where does it hurt?, what is at the root of the pain?. Each moment shifted, rather quickly, and all I had to do was be in each moment with whatever was happening, without jumping ahead to panic. I think I still need to rest, but I feel well enough that tomorrow I'm back on the schedule.

Of course I could never have made it through the past couple of days alone. As independent as I am, I am also realizing that I need others just as much as others need me. Many of my friends in the sangha (community of practitioners, or your community) have been checking in on me and offering to bring me anything I might need. One of my closest friends has been a true hero by covering for me on doanryo, making sure I'm still conscious, and leaving the perfect care-packages of juice and tea on my front step. About a year ago, my boyfriend at the time tried to take care of me in such a way. I had a difficult time letting him help me because I have this idea of being seen as a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself, and not only take care of herself perfectly but also take care of everyone else at the same time. But being this isolatingly independent is not taking refuge in sangha and actually disparages sangha. The final of the ten grave precepts is Not to disparage the Triple Treasure, the triple treasure being Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. So, how do I let go of my idea of how I want to project myself as this independent woman who needs no help?

I can see a little more clearly how my taking my ex-boyfriend's gestures of care taking personally with a bit of offense in feeling like a kept woman caused both of us great suffering. I still felt physically ill but now with a nugget of resentment towards my love, and he got upset and frustrated with me not accepting his help and probably feeling badly that he wasn't able to help me when he wanted to. Today, I saw how my body needed rest and juice at the same time, so when the offer was put out there, I didn't hesitate on accepting. If my friend was not taking care of me, I wouldn't be strong enough to write this blog right now. I love my friend dearly and would never want to subject anyone to seeing me pale, emaciated, unshowered, in my ugly pajamas, hair disheveled, and no makeup on, but this friend has not judged me on my appearance, and I think more importantly, I have not judged me on my appearance. I am ill. I look ill. I should just be ill when I'm ill.

Part of taking refuge in sangha is trusting them as much as they trust you. Yes, judgements will arise, but if you are being you, the sangha will accept and support you. My first days in the Green Gulch Intensive were perhaps stressful enough or a new environment enough to develop a very large zit on my face by my lips/chin. It was extremely visible, difficult to hide, painful, and even bled at one point. One of the admonitions during sesshins is about letting go of making yourself pretty. Because sesshin is a time of introspection and not about anything outside of yourself, it's advised to not wear makeup. I don't wear a lot of makeup, but I do feel more comfortable if I've put on powder foundation and eyeliner and mascara. With the zit and with washing my face often, I was wearing little to no makeup at Green Gulch and just letting my appearance be what it was at the time. Eventually the zit decreased in size and disappeared into a scar, and no one treated me any differently from when the zit was very large to when it was disappeared. And in fact, as time went on and the entire sangha got to know each other better, I felt closer and more comfortable with the people and forgot I had the giant zit on my face.

Asking for refuge is another aspect of taking refuge in sangha. This was a large question that I worked with and had difficulty with during my time at Green Gulch. My current situation is that I'm very unhappy living in my present flat with four other male roommates, stuck in my tiny room and being edged out of the kitchen and common areas. My schedule starts much earlier than theirs and ends much earlier than theirs. I also pay a lot to be a fifth roommate in a communal living situation. I pay more now than I did for the studio in the tenderloin I lived in for nine years. I am also losing clients due to the economy. I am a personal trainer and I work out of my private studio. My offering is affordable because I believe that moving your body regularly is part of a healthful lifestyle and not a luxury. However today for many of us, myself included, cost of living has increased while income has decreased and extras other than food and shelter are being scrutinized with frugality. I have even canceled my health insurance because I simply don't have enough money to pay for it. And although I know it is my responsibility as a small business owner to market my personal training business harder than ever, this is one of the things that I am not good at. Instead I have been listening to my heart wanting to delve into practice deeper. While I don't want to give up on my business and I haven't, I can't ignore my heart showing me what practice means to me. An answer to my question of where to live and how to afford it, how to delve into practice deeply, and how to make ends meet all around is to take refuge in the SFZC sangha and live, work, and practice there. It's been very difficult for me to say yes, it is time for me to live at Zen Center. It feels like I am a failure by not being successful business-wise right now. It feels like I'm asking too much to move into and rely on a community that I feel more comfortable helping and participating in from the outside. However, while I was at Green Gulch, my work and contribution to the community was so appreciated that the idea to stay and live and work there was presented. Also while I was there, the idea to live and work at City Center, my home sangha, and help out in extra and unique ways in which I was already being considered was presented, however living space would not be available to me until the end of March when this practice period ends. There was a lot for me to hold and look at and I struggled. My time at Green Gulch was so quiet and spacious like nothing I've ever experienced before. To be present in that for a year would be a delight, not to mention being around Reb, an amazing teacher and practitioner. However being in the city is how I practice and my business and my studio and my ability to make art are in the city. I don't want to make any decisions out of desperation and I want time to understand what choice I'm accepting. The truth is that I have only experienced Green Gulch for those Intensive three weeks, whereas I have been experiencing City Center consistently for two years. I have decided to move into City Center to deepen my practice, to live each moment with the precepts, to give of myself to the sangha, to look, listen, and learn deeply, and to become a city monk.